All Our Yesterdays
by narrizan
Summary: Before the journey, Gojyo is told a dark faery tale. Non slash. Maybe considered AUish. I guess?


Disclaimer: "Gensomaden Saiyuki, Saiyuki: Reload, Saiyuki: Gaiden" and all of its characters were created by Kazuya Minekura. They belong to her and were used without prior permission. No monetary profit is made through this story. This story is non shounnen-ai.

This story was born out of one of the incomparable **kanshu's** plot bunnies. I am not sure if this was quite what she had in mind, but it was a train of thought that would not let go of me. This is un-beta-ed.

Set before and during the journey. You may wish to consider it AU-ish.

All Our Yesterdays

The rain is already upon us. I watch as Hakkai and Goku struggle to finish tenting up. The heavy drops hit the tarpaulin with the sound of a hail of bullets. In the half-light, it is all shadows and the glowing embers of both our cigarettes. You are miserable, moody and short with everyone. Even I dare not cross swords with you tonight. You might actually use that gun. The prime candidate being me, besides yourself. I mean you would never really shoot the kid and Hakkai has given you no reason to yet. Me? Maybe you see me as expendable.

You hate the rain. I see you wrap yourself up in that layer of anger tied up with the ribbon of despair. A pretty picture you make. Heheh! You're even making me sound… well, not like me I guess. After all, you are the one who said to me "Blood isn't the only thing that's red." Yeah! I can say back to you "Rain washes away dirt and grime. Makes things clean again. Feeds the earth." I can say so to the both of you. Not that it would change anything. You will probably shoot me then. Like as if it were so easy to run away from the things that tie us to this life. Anymore than Hakkai, be wholly human again. Simply put, it's just water, man.

I see your eyes and they're like the jewels of pain kept safe in the box, kind of like Mother's best china really. Even so, she smashed that herself at the end. She had no reason to keep them whole anymore, she was broken, her life and her home. I never blamed her either. Getting here today, sometimes it just feels so tiresome. Is it already three years? It is a drop in time. We are just along for the ride. The rain, I listen to it. Its rhythm will sing me to sleep soon enough I'm sure. You know, it was raining back then too…

Three years ago…

I am looking up at the sunset sky and those clouds are telling me I should hurry home. I don't want to get wet. No sense in catching a cold. Mother was always telling Jien that if he spent too long in the wet, he would catch a cold. He in turn, ended up telling me that. True or not… well you know what they say about old habits. As I'm hurrying, I sense someone following me. I take a quick glance round and I pay him no mind. He is just an old homeless guy. Harmless really. The folk hereabouts call him Ah Li. Who he is, what his deal is, I did not know. I did not want to know.

I had been doing fine, living day to day. One day, all that changed. Just over three weeks ago, I picked up a dead man. Well he wasn't dead… yet. Though, with his wound, all that blood and the guts on the dirt, he may as well have. To pick up a dying man, take him home and stitch him up. As if I was some kind of Samaritan picking up a stray with claws hidden under a glove, only the glove was the metal cuffs on his ear. Oh, yes! I knew what they were. He had looked at me… and that odd smile. I know the look of one ready to go to the Gods. No, I have never seen it, but in a strange mirroring, I recognised it as a frightened sad little boy I knew long ago. Maybe, it's a familial trait. Being selfish. Death would have been too easy. It is saying to whatever that brings you to such a moment, "Alright, you win." I was not allowed that luxury, so I was not about to let someone else have it. I hear a roll of thunder; I want to make it before the rain soaks me. Also, my houseguest seems to get skittish whenever the rain comes down. I worry about him. It's just a feeling I get.

Just as I am about to turn a corner, I hear a sputtering cough. It is Ah Li. He is leaning heavily against a lamppost and his head is lolling into his chest. He coughs again. I have seen him about town, he likes watching the children play, either on the streets or in the park. I remember asking someone if the people were afraid that he might be some kind of pervert or something. It's good to ask these questions you know. I think that folk just concluded that perhaps he had a grandchild somewhere he was not allowed to see. I had even bumped into him once and he had backed away nervously so fast muttering, "I'm sorry," over and again. I tried to calm him down even but one look at me and he was off like a shot. My guess is that it must have been the eyes and the hair. Although, there was something else in the look he gave me. Fear, perhaps?

Maybe it is the humidity or the currents in the air, because I am edgy tonight. We are all alone in this world. I have my own skeletons in the closet of my past; no doubt, Ah Li had his too. Definitely that wraith at home. He looked like he ad a horde of 'em stashed underneath that veneer of politeness and smiles that sometimes grated on my nerves. The niceness does not fool me; the guy is just too good at cards. I know also about having your own crypt into which your mind can crawl. For all that civility, he could not help but stare at the eyes and hair as well. Caught out, I called him on it. He replied with words such as admonishment and epiphany. Those were new and different. Unlike the whispered knives in the back or the sneering shards, cutting the surface of the skin. "Half breed freak show", "Unlucky misbegotten taboo" and the like.

I realise I have damn near chewed my last cigarette down to the end. I light another one up, with one eye on Ah Li. I manage one drag and the man crumples to the ground. Cursing, I go and see if I can help.

"Hey! Hey old-timer! Are you okay?" The man is breathing but he isn't conscious. I try to bring him 'round. I slap his face gently on both sides. That seemed to work.

"Wh… what?" He is aware now but confused I think, as I breathe a sigh of relief.

"You gave me quite a scare, you know." I think I am certain he isn't going to die just yet. That just would be unlucky. I am grateful for small mercies.

"Hey Uncle! Can I take you somewhere? Where's home?"

"S…Squatters Row." He is squinting blearily at me. I was surprised that he did not reek of alcohol.

"Well, c'mon then." I support him and with a firm guiding hand at his elbow, we make our way. Squatters Row was a dried up unused canal with a wide bridge over it. Providing excellent shelter for the homeless. It takes us about ten minutes to get there. By the time we are 'home' he is trying to get away from me. It was just gone twilight and with the rain coming, the place was bustling. It was chaotic, but there seemed to be some sort of order amongst it.

"Ease up man!" I did not want him to pass out again so I keep a gentle but firm hold of him. Reluctantly he acquiesced. He leads me to his neatly stacked, steady pile of cardboard, made into a neat little cubicle. Enough space for a pallet, a small chest of drawers and bits here and there. A little space you can call your own. I suppose you make do with what you can find.

"Come in, come in. Here have a seat." Ah Li indicated the pallet. For someone who I thought was afraid of me, he seemed to have done a quick turnaround.

"Some tea. Yes! Yes." He says more or less to himself. Procuring a kettle of water from out of thin air and set it on a little portable gas cooker.

"You're Gojyo right? Sha Gojyo" Pole axed. I did not think he would know my name. I should not be surprised because many people know me, a place of this size and if you had a reputation to upkeep as well. Maybe it was the way he asked.

"Why?" He is off again, I am certain he didhear my counter question. He was wittering on inaudibly, all the while making the tea and pouring it into two mugs. He set them on an upturned crate with a little dishtowel for a cloth. Never mind edgy, I was beginning to feel trapped.

"Look 'ere. No offense, but I really do have somewhere to be." I start to get up as I speak. "I'm glad you're alright now, but, it's best I head out."

Like the 'whoosh' had gone out of him he stops. He whispers softly. "No, stay please." Head bowed, "Humour an old man." He looks out at me from half closed eyes. "I have a story you may like to hear."

So there I was and something in the catch of his voice holds me. These guys, they don't have anyone to talk to and I suppose I felt sorry for him. I am really not sure. I sit back down on the pallet. The makeshift table is between us. Condensation and smoke spirals lazily up into the air. Dispersing so slowly. Ah Li takes a breath…

_A long time ago, nigh on thirty years now, I used to work the ferries along the Great Yangtze. My boss was a youkai. Yuen was a brute of a person. He loved being on the river, loved working on it and sometimes he worked customers over for a little extra coin. He had a little family. Essentially he was a good man. Perhaps I was the weak one. _

_He was very charming in his rough way, even when he was taking money off folks. All he needed to do really was brandish a knife; he never had to resort to violence Except…_

_That one time, about twenty years ago. I don't even know what they were doing there at such a time of night. A man with his wife and child. They also had a servant with them. Well it was his haste. What possessed the man to allow such a thing? Perhaps that was what drove the boss. Because Yuen thought, the man did not care. He was just not thinking about his family. The child was no more than a babe. All of about perhaps six weeks old and pale alabaster skin. A trait he shared with his mother. And his eyes. Her eyes too. How a man so officious and pompous have netted someone like her. The gods truly makes fools of us all. _

_But perhaps it was her eyes, her skin or the wildness in all of her. Whatever it was it beckoned to him. She was a siren's song and he was ensnared. And I helped him. Some part of me has always regretted it. Maybe I was under her spell too. We were ravens courting moonlight. _

_He went to her and whispered that she must not scream. He would not visit harm upon her or her child, but she would not see her husband again. Shaking and furious, the lady kept her tongue. More for her bairn really. We threw her man and servant into the dark and cold river. Whether they lived or died we never found out. We then made our way to an abandoned hut along the river. There he left her and her child, promising to return every two or three days. I guess she never tried to escape, as she must have known that after the first time he tumbled with her, she was with child. If she ever made it back, she would be disgraced and shamed. Perhaps she thought it was better this way. _

_That winter was cold, with frost on the banks and a chill that set deep in your bones. Through it all she was silent. For all her seeming acceptance, she was still wild. Cornered. Yuen was gentle with her all the time, especially when she was starting to show. He even tried to get the babe to make sounds. But perhaps he was following his mother. For not a sound he made either. He cried when he needed his mother. She never left him. She carried him tied in a sling on her back, and the thing that would sooth him were these red prayer beads that was the only thing of her past that she kept._

_Winter thawed into Spring and Summer and Autumn soon followed. Winter came again and it was already forty- two weeks since he took her to that shack and she was nearing her time. He visited her everyday now. They had since established some sort of routine. He would come in the early afternoon. He would sit and tell her of his day. The bench they sat on, they would sit at opposite ends. It was not as wide as the gulf that separated them. Sometimes he would bring me along. Those times I kept watch over the silent child. Yuen must have sensed the day of the birthing, for he had asked me along. In a panic when he did not see her at the water's edge. Rushing up towards the hut he pushed upon a bolted door. We were about to smash the door down when screams filled the air. The blood froze in my veins had nothing to do with early winter's cool._

_She may have been along a while already. We broke the door down. I think he was worried that she would harm the newborn. His child. The air caused the light to splutter and the shadows danced. It was still and almost quiet. Her hair plastered to her head with sweat and fever. Her first-born lay in his basket on the floor. Eyes wide and fearful looking towards the sound where his mother was. It was the only time I had seen her smile as she put the newborn to her breast. She was silent again now. She signed that she wanted us to bring the older child to her. As she held him close, the fair-haired lad was now nearly a year old, he held out a trembling hand to his little brother. The babe instinctively made a grab for it. It was only then that I noticed that babe's hair and eyes. It was the colour of autumn sunsets._

I do not realise that I am holding my breath. I notice only then that somewhen along the story, Ah Li had lit a kerosene lamp for light. I suddenly realise it is raining already. My throat is dry and it is as if I am frozen in time. The tale is captivating. To me at least. A part of me does not want to know anymore. I feel compelled to stay. I light up again. I see that the ashtray is a third full now. I scrutinise Ah Li and he is far away. Back in the time of his story. He is looking my way, but I do not think he sees me. I am duty bound somehow to listen to the end…

_Her body was weak from the birth. She was insistent on suckling the newborn though it sapped her body's energy. Something has changed that day. They were both afraid now. He was afraid that she might still wish harm upon his child. She in turn probably feared for her first child now that she had borne him a son. What was in that tired and fevered mind of hers? The fight in her seemed to have been lost with her cries. She never recovered her strength. The light fading from her. She lasted just over two months. It was the dawn of the New Year, when Yuen came early with presents for the boys. I had come along too, since New Year was a time for children. He panicked when he saw her lying still, on the banks of the river. Then he thought of the children. Rushing into the little lean-to he was relieved to find the little baby wrapped up warmly, there was no sign of the other boy. _

_Meanwhile I had brought her back inside. She was barely alive. I did not think she would last much longer. A day or two at the most I thought. All that day and the next he tried in vain to look for the fair-haired boy. She passed on and still no sign of him. Yuen charged me to look after the baby for a couple of days. Then he took the baby away to his lawful wife. I think he took to drinking heavily after that and one day he simply disappeared. Maybe it was guilt or regret, and sadness. Maybe he was grieving. There was nothing left to remind him of the wild and moonlit beauty, silent to the last. Except for the baby. Neither of them could face the child. His wife was stronger and for a time took care of him even loved him maybe. Slowly she too lost it; and I am sorry for that. For I think she did try for a while. She too was a beautiful woman. Grounded and earthy._

_Nowadays I watch the children for they teach us things we have forgotten. _

"Smoking is bad for your health you know!" Ah Li chides me as he ended his narrative. My legs are cramping. I have to stretch them, and soon.

Maybe I should have something to say to him words of contrition or absolution. I don't know I am not exactly religious. Perhaps this was a confession of sorts.

"His name was Sha. Sha Yuen." The name pierced the night and twisted me inside, "and you are his son." I think I need some air. I crush the half-smoked cigarette. I stand up to quick I think, for I have to wait a few moments before I am steady again.

"Well, that is a pretty tale indeed. Uncle, I'm glad you're ok. I gotta go okay. Take care of yourself and rest up alright?"

The rain is not so heavy. If I hurry now I will only get a little damp. I stalk off into the evening. The humidity has lightened somewhat and there is a slight breeze. I pull up the collar of my shirt and shrug further into it. Maybe I can hide then. I hope my houseguest does not worry overmuch. He knows of my habit to stay out late so really it is still early.

"Ah, Gojyo-san. Are you alright? You are wet." The quiet voice greets me.

"Yeah, I'm fine, just got caught in the rain." I say flippantly. "Listening to fairy-tales," is what I don't say. Maybe he picks up something in my manner, because he is giving me a searching look. He kept his peace, to each his own, I guess…

Three years already... time really moves on like a river.

The tent is up now. I am out of smokes. Nothing left for it, but sleep I guess. I can see you still staring into the rain. What ghosts haunt you?

I remember when youturn upwith Goku in tow. That time you were looking for Hakkai. No, he was still Gonou then.

"Hang on a minute. I wanna go too." Perhaps I had had enough of being left behind. It was not just that I did not want someone I took the effort of rescuing to die, just like that. Yeah! Maybe I did not want to be left behind.

Would I ever tell you that tragic tale of a woman who was moonlight, of whom nothing remains but a stone cairn somewhere on the banks of the Lower Reaches? Maybe. What would be the point? It wouldn't change anything. Who we are. Not what we have to do and certainly not what _you_ have to do. Eh, _Sanzo_? It's sort of nice maybe. I guess it will just be my secret for now. "Sorry Goku." I whisper in the boy's direction. I lay myself down, and hope that tomorrow dawns bright and sunny. I don't mind the rain, but too much of it does put a damper on things.

End


End file.
